From the moment we took our first raspy breaths as adorable little humans, we were imbued with innate mechanisms that enabled us to communicate our needs. Hungry? Howl! Loaded diaper? Cry! Sleepy but unable to nod off? Sob! Teething? Cry, drool, and chew on our knuckles. Frightened? Scream! Frustrated? Scream louder, while possibly stomping, throwing things, or hurling ourselves to the floor. Hurt? Hold breath for five seconds before shrieking. You get the idea. We were exclamation points trapped in chubby little bodies. Our primal communications skills signaled our need for attention – our guttural complaints were requests in disguise.
Depending on your parentage, your number in the birth order, your environment, your cultural mores, your genes, and a host of other factors, somewhere in the early toddler years, you acquired words to express your questions, needs, and desires. Your emergent communication style may have been guided by parents and teachers who encouraged you to ‘use your words.’ Or it may have been impacted by an outmoded but still existent belief that children are to be seen and not heard.
If the adults around you were conflict-avoidant or emotionally unstable, you may have learned to tiptoe around saying what you needed to say for the greater peace. In all likelihood though, you probably didn’t spend time thinking about – or learning – how best to communicate so that you connected evenly and positively with a fellow human.
There are thousands of books about interpersonal communication, covering topics like body language, facial expressions, phrases to avoid, colloquialisms that can be misconstrued, overcoming language barriers, and more. Few, if any, get down to brass tacks about communicating in a manner that aligns with brain chemistry and neurotransmission while providing a clear playbook. Because here’s the deal: effective communication simply isn’t hard if you start with one fundamental premise: It’s all about you, but it’s not about you.
Wait, what?
That’s right. Effective communication is all about you as the communicator, but it’s not about you as the recipient. If your intent is to make a request, course-correct, discipline, advise, or provide new direction, you won’t achieve your desired outcome if your audience is so freaked out they can’t hear you.
